If you have stopped drinking, you have done the most important thing to ensure your child's healthy emotional development. If you are a recovering alcoholic, you will find that this is a great time to begin a fresh start in your relationship with your child. It's not a simple matter to change family dynamics that have become ingrained through the trauma of addiction. You should focus on the basics -relationship, structure, and healthy expression of feelings and needs. Even if you're "not an alcoholic" you can effectively moderate the negative effects of parental drinking with these parenting strategies.
Relationship
Spend more time with your kids. Family activities that involve learning together are a great way to have fun and build a bond with the older child. We always had "projects" when I was a child. My mom would order a craft of the month, or my dad would teach us a new card game or board game. You could take a course in computers or photography or cooking with your child. Dads enjoy trips to the health club or participating in sports with their son or daughter. The simplest and most powerful strategy for building a healthy bond with your child is to eat your meals together.
You can find more ideas for relationship building in this article on Attachment Parenting of the Older Child.
Structure
Daily routines, weekly activities, planning for big events, and being where you say you are going to be all play a coordinated role in assuring a healthy sense of structure and consistency in your child. This really becomes a necessity in blended families. Find a system for incorporating schedules and planning into your family life.
During the summer months we tend to ease the hectic daily schedule of school and lessons, but it's important to always maintain a consistent daily routine that sets boundaries for children. Family meetings give you the opportunity to plan everyone's week, and the meetings don't have to be formal or stilted. You could pull out the calendar while you're eating out together after playing a round of golf for that matter.
You can find more ideas for structure building in these articles on Family Meetings, Planning Your Summer, and Planning for the Holidays.
Healthy Expression of Feelings and Needs
The key to this skill is to always start with "I". We're conditioned to think of this as selfish, and in alcoholic families it has been threatening to the fragile family system. You're stronger now, and your kids need to know that they can voice their needs, and even some strong emotions to you.
Family therapy is a safe place to start when fear prevents you from expressing painful feelings and deeply felt needs. Following the strategies of relationship and structure building will make it easier to communicate with your child in a natural and meaningful way. Watch what you say during times of anger or stress. Remember to start with "I feel ____ when ____" or "I need ____ because ____". Coach your child to use these expressions to communicate his feelings and needs to you also.
You can find more ideas for encouraging the expression of feelings and needs in the article How to Listen to Your Child.
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