The Littlest Drill Sergeant
With children, life becomes much harder if you put them and everything else ahead of yourself. When you say yes to your children, they can begin to feel like drill sergeants who control the pace, tenor and direction of your life: buy me, drive me, help me, finish this for me. By calling up a ‘No” when you need it, you gain some deserved time for yourself.
In addition to getting more time for yourself and your needs, you are also teaching your children important habits—how to strike a balance between work and play, time management and task prioritization—that aren’t always taught in school. When children grow up learning these concepts, they are more likely to be successful in their academics, relationships, and later on, in their careers.
Say What You Mean, Park Your Guilt
Be direct when you say ‘no.’ Padding your response with excuses takes away from your message. A strong ‘no’ said while looking your child or teen in the eye sets limits and underscores that you mean what you say.
Parenting is a forever proposition that will be much easier if you resist feeling guilty for denying your child’s requests. Children usually bounce back with much more ease than adults. You’ll be saying no—or should be—for decades, so park your guilt.
You’re a Mom, Not a Chauffeur
There are some situations where “no” is the obvious answer—when your 11-year-old asks to drive the family car, for instance—but what happens when your child asks to add another extracurricular to her already-full schedule? You’re proud of her initiative and want her to excel, but at the same time, your brain is calculating the extra costs, both monetary and physical, that will result if you give permission.
When you hit a “gray area” such as the one above, listen to your gut feeling. Can you afford to invest even more time driving your child to and from practices, lessons, and competitions?
“I don’t look at the [monetary] expenses. Mostly it’s the time and the driving, and I hate driving,” says one harried mother of three who spends 28 hours or more each week driving (and waiting for) one of her daughters who attends swim practice early mornings and again in the afternoon with meets on weekends.
Next > Stepping into No: The Basics
Susan Newman, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and author of The Book of NO (McGraw-Hill, Dec. 2005), Parenting an Only Child, The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only (Broadway/Doubleday), and Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day (Random House/Crown), among others. See: www.susannewmanphd.com
