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When Your Child Refuses to Go to School: Dealing With School Refusal

What to Do When Your Child Won't Go to School

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Man preparing his son for school
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When a child refuses to go to school many parents will wonder what they're doing wrong, but they are not alone. Some estimates indicate that up to 20 percent of children show signs of school refusal at one time or another during their school career.  Dealing with school refusal relies on understanding what's behind it and working with a team of professionals to help your child through this tough time.

Why is Your Child Refusing to Go to School?

Before coming up with a definitive plan for dealing with your child's school refusal, it's important to get a sense of why your child is refusing to go to school. The NYU Child Study Center identifies four main reasons children refuse to go to school. Your child may be refusing to go to school:

  1. to get away from feeling bad. He is trying to avoid something at school that causes anxiety, depression or other feelings of distress.
  2. to avoid social interactions or public evaluation. He has anxiety in social situations, trouble with peer interactions or is worried about how he'll do in testing situations and/or about being called on in class.
  3. to get attention. Her tantrums, clinginess and separation anxiety may be a way to get attention she desires.
  4. to get some sort of reward outside of school. This can be as simple as being able to watch TV or play video games while at home.

His school refusal may be for a combination of these factors, but as long as he's being reinforced, the behavior will continue. Behavior isn't just reinforced by reward, it's also reinforced by successful avoidance of a stressor.

For example, a child may not want to go to school because she hates riding the bus. Her tantrums in the morning either makes her miss the bus or let her stay home; she has been negatively reinforced by successfully avoiding the bus ride. On the other hand, the child who won't go to school because of separation anxiety is being positively reinforced by getting to stay home and spend time with you.

What Should You Do When He Refuses to Go to School?

  1. Talk to your child's teacher and other school personnel about the problem. Your child's teacher may be able to provide some insight as to whether there are things going on at school that are contributing to the problem or she may be able to reassure you that despite the morning tantrums and leg-clinging drop-offs, your child is okay oncein the classroom and involved in the routine.
  2. Bring your child to the pediatrician. Many children will have physical symptoms as well as emotional ones. It's important to make sure that these symptoms and the accompanying anxiety or depression aren't related to an illness or have any other physical cause. Once you can rule that out, you and the pediatrician can decide together whether it's time to bring a psychologist or counselor on as part of the team.
  3. Try to stay calm and rational. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially when your child's behavior is disrupting your household and causing you to worry about things like truancy laws and whether or not you're going to lose your job if you have to call in one more day.  Regardless, you need to maintain the expectation that school is a non-negotiable activity. Engaging in arguments or bribery is not going to solve the underlying problem.

What's the Next Step?

Once you've identified a problem, your next steps are to get your child back to school and to seek appropriate help for the underlying issue. Treating that problem, whether it's anxiety, depression, oppositional defiance disorder or something else, often will require the assistance of an outside counselor and getting him back to school will require cooperation on the part of the school.

The Family's Role in Dealing With School Refusal

Once you've established a relationship with the school and an outside counselor, it's time to look at what you can do at home to help get your child back to school. Firstly, you may have to reevaluate your priorities. For instance, if your child won't put on his clothes to go to school, you may need to weigh whether it's more important for him to be wearing school clothes or to be at school. I've worked with a number of families who have sent kids to school in their pajamas because it was the only way to get them out the door in the morning.  Other things you may need to do:

  • Set up a behavior contract with your child providing rewards for attending school and consequences for not attending.
  • Teach your child relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and other stress management skills.
  • Allow your child to call you and check in at a set time of day.
  • Provide your child with a picture of you or some other small comfort object.
  • Set more predictable morning routines.

Working With the School to Create a Plan

There are a number of different ways to work with the school to get your child back on track. A few things to consider:

  • Ask the school to waive or reduce the amount of makeup work your child will have to do to catch up.
  • Develop a 504 plan if your child doesn't have learning problems significant enough to qualify for an IEP. A 504 plan deals with accommodations necessary when a child has a disability that impacts his education, but not his ability to learn.
  • Create a plan for getting your child from the car into the school. If your child is having problems with separation, a teacher may have to meet you in the parking lot to physically escort your child into the school. In other cases, it may be enough to have someone meet you at the door.
  • Discuss a partial day program to begin. If the school refusal is severe enough, you may need to start with low expectations. It may be OK to consider a day successful if your child literally makes it into the school. Eventually you can build up, hour by hour, until he's there for a fair amount of time.
  • Be creative. If you can't get her into the classroom, perhaps she's willing to sit in the library, lobby or cafeteria with supervision. Dr. Christopher Kearney, director of the UNLV Child School Refusal and Anxiety Disorders Clinic, refers to this as setting a baseline. "At least they're getting up and getting ready to go to school, and it's a lot easier to get them back into the regular classroom from that point," he states.

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