Every divorced family is different, and the ways that parents find to navigate a smooth holiday with child custody and visitation are endless. Flexibility, patience, calmness in spite of anger, comfort for a hurting child - I've seen these and more qualities of parents who want the best for their child, especially in the dilemma of divorce.
Holidays trigger memories for the child and parents. The transition to a new tradition is abrupt; but new traditions take time to feel right. It's a balancing act for parents to remain in control, yet sensitive to the sadness that may surface.
A good approach with elementary-age children is to start with a visitation plan well in advance of the holiday. When the plan is firm, tell the child. Younger children are easily overwhelmed by too many choices. So, it's best just to tell your child what the holiday plan will be. Don't put your child in the position of choosing between families. Loyalty conflicts are a huge source of stress for children at all ages.
Find meaningful ways to celebrate at times other than the day itself. There's no harm in giving your child a double-dose of the holiday. For example, if you don't have your child in your home for Christmas morning, make special arrangements with Santa to come to your house before your child leaves for the holiday.
Find balance for yourself and your child during the holiday season. Frantic activity raises the stress level for everyone. When you have a big holiday event with your child, focus completely on enjoying it to the fullest. Then, plan a quiet time together to rest and relax.
Allow for emotional expression. Your child may have her emotions tightly controlled to prevent feeling overwhelmed. By talking about your feelings and encouraging her to do the same, you relieve the pressure of intense emotions gradually, freeing you both to experience the joys that are found in the simple moments of your new family life at the holidays.
