They Have Taken on Roles of Aggressor and Victim
Parents unwittingly reinforce aggressor and victim roles in their children when they intervene in children's fights. It's a dilemma because you have to prevent abuse between siblings. Hitting, name-calling, and hurting each other are absolutely unacceptable and you must stop it. How you do it can make the difference. The classic book on Sibling Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish gives some very good advice for protecting children without reinforcing aggressor and victim identities. 1. If one child hurts the other, do not give your attention to the aggressor. Instead, attend to the injured party. 2. Don't label the aggressor as a bully or mean. Instead help him see that he knows how to be kind to his sibling and that you expect him to do so. 3. Teach the injured child to stand up for herself and to recognize her strength. The other strategies on this page and in the links will also help you to break the aggressor-victim cycle.
More Ideas:
- Sibling Rivalry vs. Sibling Conflict
- Peace Building Skills- Bully Behavior
- Things to Do if Someone Bigger Starts to Hurt You
They Feel Envy and Resentment Toward Each Other
These destructive feelings build over time so if you see the signs of resentment or jealousy between your children, it's time to stop and assess the causes of these feelings and come up with some ways that you as a parent can defuse the overall hostility between your children. Some tips from the experts are: 1. Give each child special attention and alone time with Mom and Dad. 2. Never compare your children. Instead stress each one's unique gifts and special qualities. 3. Don't take sides in your children's squabbles. 4. Encourage each child to work on her own personal goals, not in competition with each other. 5. Reinforce expressions of loving feelings between your children. Help each one find ways to show her love for the other - birthday cards, Christmas presents, etc.
More Ideas:
- 10 Ways to Make a Child Feel Special
- Saying I Love You
- Tell Kids Why You Like Them
- Siblings as Friends
They Have Difficult Temperaments
If one or both of your children have difficult personality traits such as extreme emotionality, negativity, or poor anger control, you will need to take extra steps to prevent abusive behavior between them. A great Web site that addresses the special challenges of parenting difficult children is maintained by Elaine Gibson. You can find some excellent suggestions there as a starting point but a consultation with a child development specialist or counselor for your children will be an important step in coping with their behavior problems. Start early if you observe extremes of temperament in your children so that the problem does not become unmanageable. You can begin to recognize the signs of a difficult temperament when the child is a baby. The difficult child will require more coaching and direct skill-building in ways to get along with others and manage his anger. If only one of your children has a difficult temperament be careful that he does not take on the role of aggressor in the sibling relationship.
More Ideas:
- How to Take a Temperament
- [font face=Arial]Introduction to Temperament
- Temperament Traits
- Management Tips for Kids with Difficult Traits
Resource Sites
Kids Care! We Can Work It Out Center
Iowa State University Extension Child Development Publications
